Final Act.

I love you more than love itself.

I cherish every single cell that makes your unique makeup, Redacted Name. I used to catch myself analyzing and thinking about you; I still do. I wanted to experience a moment in life with you, which later turned into me wanting to do and experience life with you. I wanted to be your partner in life, your right hand, your female badass counterpart. I’m still so amazed by you; I remember the countless times I got lost in your ocean eyes, my blue dream - my everything.

I wore an orange shirt today and then realized I would never run into you, and within a matter of days, I’ve become a stranger to you. I keep replaying how you told me that the brain forgets what someone looks like after some time not seeing them. I broke down. I broke down, accepting that that’s what you chose to do. You are throwing me in the trash like a worthless piece of garbage when all I needed was for you to see beyond yourself.

It’s extremely painful to be forced to be strong and let go. When the person you love and want the most is a weapon, causing you to self-destruct. A heartbreaking reality…he will never be able to love you. His ego and his pride seem to forever blind him from the selfless woman he has, had in front of him.

This is destroying my heart, but my final act of love is silence.

All of my words, feelings, needs, and fears fall on deaf, selfish ears, so I will suffer in silence.

Every time I close my eyes, I replay our moments in time like a movie. Funny, I get excited to go to sleep because I get to pause, press rewind, and replay our beautiful story. It always begins with the first moment we locked eyes, that moment in time where everything seemed to stop, and it was just you and I. Scratch that; we all know that’s a Hollywood lie. It began when you parked your monster truck next to my car. I automatically became irritated that this random person in a gray truck was messing up my Saturday morning at work; later, I found out you’re the new banker I’ve been making snarky comments about. Looking back, our story was truly magical and very “on brand for us”. I fell for the bad boy turned badass, and the cryptocurrency nerd fell for the free-spirited geek who enjoys mixing chemicals together in the name of “science.” But then I wake up, and reality sets in. These are all memories, and there won’t be any new ones. No more getting woken up to kisses as an alarm, no more “safe” adventures, no more life-changing, ego-altering trips. No more of you…

I miss you, I always do, and for the record, I have always chosen you.

…and in my own way, screamed it loud and clear for the world to see. I only ever wanted it to be you.