In the name of “character development”

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for making you a monster in my head.

I’m sorry for all of the hurtful words I said.

I’m sorry for putting unrealistic expectations on you.

Now that I sit in this heartache, I’m able to see.

See that you truly didn’t know any better. You loved me the best way you knew how. I guess it’s true; you never loved anyone else before. You weren’t taught how to nourish and take care of another human…nobody showed you how to love. I can’t be mad or hold any grudges against you; you loved me the best way you knew. Like Jhene said, “I pray for you”. I pray you learn and grow from this magical experience. I pray you open your heart and learn true compassion and grace. I pray you heal, find your life partner, and you both have an amazing life (11:11). I would love to pray for our paths to cross once again and experience this love again, but I keep getting self-conscious, thinking I wasn’t experienced enough in life for a man like you. You deserve someone who doesn’t take 101 pills to attempt to experience life normally. Someone who can shine bright but doesn’t have to absorb the darkness like I do.

As for me, I’m sorry I was collateral damage in this. I’m sorry you had to experience a love so tender and pure for it to be ripped away in the name of “character development”. I’m sorry I caused you these deep wounds. I’m sorry for being a lesson and not the happily ever after. I’m sorry for being a selfish coward. I knew this would be to our detriment, but I ignored my head - I followed my heart, and it led us here.

Here.

Crying, knowing you’re not here and you’ve been forced to begin the process of erasing me from your memory. Understanding what needs to be done because that’s how we humans heal. Here, fighting the urge to run into your warm embrace, into the hug I’ve been yearning for, to the man that makes my very guarded heart smile. Here, holding onto the Hello Kitty plushie you gave me when you asked me to be your girlfriend. Here, rethinking and questioning every single decision I’ve made over the past year. Here, watching you plan your runs for the summer. Here, wanting to rip my heart out because of the pain it’s causing me. Here, looking at photos of you and saying to myself, he is not in your life anymore, you need to let him go. Here, scared that I might just end up alone, with no living legacy, and with no one to hold or smile to when he’s coming home excited to see me after work.

Today and for the foreseeable future, I will be mourning our love, our time, our experience, and our journey.

I only want to stare at those blind ocean eyes. I only want to be held by the softest, most brave man I know. There’s only one veteran I want to have a shitty “free” meal at Chillis with. There’s only one person I want to go on adventures and trips with. There’s only one person I wanted to experience life with, be an amazing wife to, one person I knew I would raise his children to be as kind and loving as me. The one person I wanted to become domesticated for. There’s only one person I truly ever gave my heart and trust to…and that’s you.